Budding Beauty Tips #1 – Butane Cleanse

Hey all you freaky flowers! Cookie here with another installment of Budding Beauty Tips!

Are you worried about the buildup of toxins? Since nugs don’t have livers or kidneys, the best way to detox is to use the patented Cookie Cleanse™, you’ll be starving and smell like a barbecue, but you’ll feel like a brand new nug!

Step 1: Preparing For Your Cleanse:

  • You’ll want to start by drinking 8 gallons of water a day for a week before your cleanse. The more you pee, the more toxins are set free.
  • Avoid processed foods—only natural sunlight and organic fertilizers will do: HPS lamps and industrial fertilizers contain ingredients you can’t pronounce and if you can’t pronounce it, you don’t need it!
  • Eat superfoods—these are fertilizers that are organic and wear capes. (I’ve found that the best organic fertilizer is bull shit, from a free-range bull that has not been treated with bovine growth hormones or antibiotics.)

Once you’ve done this for a week, you are ready to start your cleanse. For this you’ll need butane, preferably N-butane (the ‘N’ might stand for “natural!”), an extraction tube and a lot of patience. You’ll be consuming nothing but butane for 5 days, so you’re going to get the runs. I suggest adding cayenne pepper and lemon juice because if you’ve got the trots, why not make them spicy and acidic?

Step 2: The Cleanse:

  • Sequester yourself in the extraction tube and douse yourself in butane. Think of this as an extremely relaxing and flammable shower.
  • Make sure the extraction tube is in a well-ventilated area and no one nearby is smoking—you don’t want to go up in flames like so many nugs before you.
  • It’s going to feel like every cell in your nug is undergoing medieval torture—this just means it’s working!
  • Watch those nasty toxins leak out of you, pass through the mesh screen and into the collection dish!
  • Purge any excess butane with an enema or a colonic—nothing says “dignified and healthy” like fixating on feces!

After your cleanse, you are going to want to ease back into solid fertilizers and sunlight. Your leaves will be dry and brown and you’ll feel like death, but that is a small price to pay for your health. Also, now that the toxins are out of you, you can name them “Shatter” or “Wax” and have a new best friend to play with.

That’s it for this week, folks. Don’t forget to hit like, share, donate, follow and stay tuned to all my social media for another Budding Beauty Tip!