What up my nugs? Cookie here to usher in the new year! This week, I’ll be sharing life hacks for New Year’s resolutions. You may have failed at your school, your STD screening, your life and your field sobriety test, but you don’t have to fail at New Year’s!

How it works: My resolution this year was to start getting my articles in on time. This was originally supposed to be a listicle on Christmas decorations, but in order to make sure it was on time, I changed it to a New Year’s listicle. As long as this gets published by 2019, I’m good! Don’t work harder, work smarter.

Lose Weight

This one is the most commonly failed New Year’s resolutions, but it’s an easy fix if you know what you’re doing. Did you know a large nug can lose several grams overnight? The solution to your corpulence is quite literally a life “hack”—amputation! It’s so much easier to squeeze into your teeny-tiny-bikini when you only have one leg! As a bonus, you’ll have access to the best parking spaces wherever you go!

Exercise More

Did you know most new gym memberships are entirely abandoned by February? Who are you kidding, you aren’t going to waddle your festively plump nug into the gym after the holidays to be judged by all the nug-building mesomorphs. Don’t worry, there is an easy solution—commit more felonies! It’s so much easier to go running when you are being chased! Bonus points if you end up in a cross-country manhunt. Nothing will get you into shape faster than evading the long arm of the law (or a mysterious and beautiful superheroine) across state lines. Make sure to let me know in the comments all crimes you plan on committing!

Eat Healthier

The holidays were spent gorging yourself on all manner of synthetic fertilizers and pesticides. You can clean that right out of your system with my patented Cookie Cleanse™, then you can start eating right. I have recommended bull shit in the past, since it is the best fertilizer yet known, but now I sell something even better—Cookie’s Organics: Crunchy Bull Shit™! If you are one of the first 400 customers to buy into my Bull Shit, you’ll get an extra pound of it for free! That’s 6 lbs. of Crunchy Bull Shit for only 5 easy payments of $4.20 (and a one-time handling fee of $69.99+taxes, shipping and processing fees)!

Get Over Chad

Sure, he’s dreamy; but Melissa said that Katy said that he was with Becky now, and Becky has been held back for 4 years and strips down at the place with the neon green “Big Budded Bitches” sign. The thing is, you can’t stop thinking about that one time you saw Chad in his bathing suit. So, you ask Katy, who said she heard from Kyle the exact route that Becky uses to get to work, and if you just strategically placed a banana peel and an electric grinder on that path, it wouldn’t be your fault if an accident were to happen, right? Right!?

Conclusion: 

If you follow these tips closely, you’ll be a better you in 2018! No more worrying about failed resolutions. Slay Queen! Remember, send me money on Patreon and like, share and react to all my photos on Instagram. Happy New Year’s! And Becky, if you’re reading this, I was totally joking, so just go about your day as normal and don’t waste it worrying about banana peels or grinders.